insomnia

FIRST: sorry for lack of updates recently. I was out of town. will explain. SOON.

I want to turn this into a personal essay on my own time, but I'm really tired and lazy but in a mood I want to capture/elaborate on later. so I'm publicizing my crap that will evolve into a beautiful butterfly someday soon.

I'm at a weird point in my life right now. don't really know where I'm going (except for more school), and that makes me feel lost. sometimes I feel much older than I am. I know I'm the type of person that needs a direction. at the same time I'm feeling super nostalgic and also frustrated with the past. I look back on my triumphs in high school, and I miss certain stretches of months. and then I look back on all the things I felt were unfair, and I get angry. I felt I was cheated out of a lot of things I worked my ass off for. whereas my triumphs... like senior year tennis season... made me feel like I got exactly what I deserved. and I felt alive at the net. I miss being good at tennis. I miss being good at so many things... I'm trying to reclaim my talents, but there's no escaping the feeling that I'll never be as multi-talented as I was in high school.

I wanna get it back. there are so many things I want to do every day. I need to figure out a way to fit everything in.

home sweet home?

I got home a few days ago, and I'm impatient with myself to get better. I think it's maybe because I told myself that as soon as I got home, things might be magically solved. but I still feel awful right now. well, I was feeling like myself, but today was really rough. the weather was gloomy and it was hard to get out of bed. I wound up bringing my whole day down with bad thinking. I'm so frustrated. this issue is taking hold of my life... I want to be able to claim my own path again. but depression interferes with everything. it's especially compromising my relationship and I don't know what to do. apologizing doesn't fix anything... the depression isn't my fault. but it still overruns all my important relationships. I just want to breathe again.

ups and downs remain

but I'm still having an upwards trend. I'm at the point where I can tell myself with assurance, "you are going to fully recover from this. you're not quite there yet. be happy, because things will still get better, and that's great. :)"

in addition, I'M GOING HOME SO SOOOON YAYAYAYAY!

sorry if this post is redundant from my last one, I'm just optimistic for once.

earlier today, pessimism and bad thoughts were taking over again... maybe because I'm pretty stressed about my upcoming neurobiology final tomorrow (yeesh). I'm having a bit of trouble sleeping, so I'm going to get a tad bit more studying done before I sleep. I'll be super tired the rest of the week, but then I'm done done done done DONE with this god-awful sophomore slump year!

so, when my mood slumps, I just tell myself, you've felt so much better than usual lately. and you're going to get back to the high points.

I can't wait.

:)

YES

I am FINALLY starting to feel optimistic about everything again. it's a wonderful feeling. if anything, I'd say this depressive spell has been characterized by a total lack of optimism. but you know what? I'm feeling hopeful again. and for me, that's the most important thing to feel coming out of something like this.

I'm not all the way out, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

finally.

the final stage

so, right now I've been studying for/taking my finals, and I am pretty impatient for summer to arrive. more than anything, I'm suuuuper sleepy almost all the time. even after a good 2 weeks of 8+ hours of sleep a night, I still find myself falling asleep in my books and yawning constantly. feh! I think that the constant self-analysis and focusing on my anxieties has caused me to use up all my energy. and I have to start really focusing on my last two finals. it's important I do well in them. I'm going to make this semester a success one way or another.

my thought process has been alright... bad thoughts still pervade a lot, but I'm definitely getting better, and I can see it. I went out this weekend to a concert in boston, which was fun, but saturday I relapsed a bit into being kind of sad for a few hours. so I half-cleaned my room (finally). yay. and oh, yeah, I have to start packing! BAHHHH!!!! I have my last two therapy sessions monday and tuesday, and a psychiatrist checkup on tuesday as well. I need to find a therapist for the summer. we'll see what happens.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMER AHHHH. it's going to be amazing. spending time with all the people I love and cherish and riding bikes and eating healthy and sleeping regularly and swimming and being in the sun and getting in shape and doing art and playing with my dog. yayayayayayayayay!

my posts have been pretty lame lately, but I've been pretty distracted/haven't had much significant thoughts to express after the explosion of initial posts. but once I make a little more progress in my journey I'm sure I'll be able to contribute something a bit more meaningful.

until then, toodle-oo! finals time! blarghyblurghyblargh

rebellion

you know why I've had such a hard time getting through this depression? because I give my bad thoughts credit. I make life seem like one big serious scary thing. but maybe it's just a lot more simple than I'm willing to give it credit for. to hell with nihilism, with being lost and confused... how about taking it easy for a little bit and letting the answers come to me? appreciating what we have and also what we cannot know? wonder and mystery anyone? things don't have to be so serious all the time! they can't be, or else they'd totally suffocate me. I'm suffocating now... I need a breath of fresh air soon.

"growing year"

so, I feel pretty conflicted and confused right now. (yes, I know, more whiny blog posts. sorry. I'm having a rough week.) I feel like I've wasted a good part of this past year. I've spent a lot of time in my room, talking to people from home, procrastinating on work with anti-social activities (rather than going out), and being sad. this is time I know I can't get back... and I don't want to waste another second of my time in college, or in life either. I'm stuck between wanting to go home so so so SO badly and mourning the loss of my sophomore year of undergrad. it makes me feel so weird.

I was reading an article that gave incoming college kids tips on what to do with their 4 years. and I instantly became sad. maybe because I haven't been living in the moment this year. maybe because I'm sad and lost and lonely. depression has cut me off from friends... old ones, and new ones I've tried to make. I'm not happy with who I am as a person when I'm depressed. I have learned to love myself, and love the life I was given, but I do not like pessimistic Rachel. I do not like negative Rachel. I do not like being a downer.

I'm really confused with my "purpose" right now. I don't know how to handle my purpose, or time, or life in general. maybe this is my year to question everything, and then things will go back to normal. or maybe after questioning, I'll get more out of every moment. but I don't want to be in fear of my life with every second that passes by. that's been my current trend, and it's nearly impossible to be happy when I'm thinking like this.

despite this negativity, I know I've gone through a lot and that I've spent a lot of time figuring myself out and involving myself in things that will help me figure out what the hell it is I want to do with my time here and who I am and what I love and who I love and how to be happy. I still haven't figured anything out all the way... but I'm a work in progress. and maybe that's where the key is, learning to accept that I'm not done growing, but starting the journey to self-discovery nonetheless.

so maybe I should make a list of things I've done to grow...

1. joined femsex, which is a great female empowerment/sex education/health/discussion class through my university. it's hard to sum it up, but it's focused on covering topics relating to the female sexual experience and validating each person's unique standpoint, as well as discussing issues of class, race, gender, and power dynamics. unfortunately, depression struck in the middle of this class, so I didn't get as much out of the last few weeks as I would have liked, but it was an important experience to accept myself as I am for my experiences, my appearance, my desires, etc. I also hashed out some old baggage someone dumped on me last year, which was good.

2. fiddled around with concentrations and found something that worked for me, despite some resistance from my old advisor. talked to a lot of people in different departments, set up a lot of meetings, was proactive about crafting a course of study that I would be happy with.

3. experimented with taking control of my own medical destiny -- got tested for STIs (I'm clean, yay!), went off medication, went back on medication, sought advice from medical professionals other than my parents/away from home.

4. was proactive about my depression by taking medication and going to therapy 2 times a week. not giving up the fight to be happy and make sense of everything, even when things seemed hopelessly dark. read several books about ways to alter my thinking (although they were minimally helpful), and filled out a plethora of surveys in order to analyze my specific condition. tried hypnotherapy!

5. formed a productive and friendly relationship with a dean. this is a connection that I will be able to utilize in the future for counsel in navigating my path through school and life. she's also a really wonderful person, and I'm happy to have formed a bond.

6. got closer to my parents. family has become far more important to me this past year, both as a support system and as people I value and cherish and love.

7. bought art supplies that I can use while out at school. though I haven't used them enough, I intend to make good use of them. I miss cultivating my artistic side. lately, I've been going out on photo-missions too. there are some beautiful places to walk out here.

8. let myself fall in love and navigate the world of relationships after wanting to gain admittance for 18 years. learned how to deal with conflict and keep a long-distance relationship functional despite hectic college life, stress, and depression. the depression has taken a huge toll on the quality of my relationship (I always feel guilty about being depressed around my boyfriend), but it has also shown me how much support I have from him and how lucky I am to be with someone who can stick it out with me through the toughest of times.

_________________________________________________________

so... after this reflection, I actually feel a little better. sometimes I need to remind myself that this year hasn't been a waste. has it been fun all the time? of course not. but it's the beginning of a process that will equip me with the tools to make the absolute most out of my remaining college experience and out of my entire life. I don't know where I am in this process, actually. just that I'm excited to view this in a more positive light on a consistent basis.

chin up, Rachel.