concentration frustration

meow! it's finals! I'm having a difficult time focusing on my work... I've always been really good at studying for school, but because of all the new meds in my system and exhaustion from the anxiety, I've had a hard time staying awake, let alone concentrating. regardless, I have a constitutional law exam tomorrow and I need to start studying. like, now. I don't even know what time it's at. checking.... oh thank god it's at 2 pm and not 9 am. AHHH. that would be bad. alright so I can stay up late to study. phew. but my reaction to all the material right now is as follows: oh boy.

my depression keeps going in waves of good and bad days. the bad thoughts aren't gone, but they are slightly less salient with each passing week. I really, really want to be home right now, but I'm going to use these last two weeks at school to finish getting better. I'm gonna do it.

thanksgiving

there's a reason thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I really like being reminded that there are things in my life to be thankful for. although it's off-season, I thought I'd make an ongoing list of things that I'm thankful to have and experience. I started a list like this in my journal a few weeks ago, and it made me feel a little better (but not much). so I'm going to try it again here, where I can easily edit.

these are in no particular order. there is no special significance to any place on the list.

my teddy bear/stuffed animals, my warm bed, breathing, my pretty clothes, books, color-coordination, friends, magnolia trees, warm bread, bikes, naked juice and apple juice, my mom, my dad, crisp fruit, my sister, cooking, my dog Baby, jewelry, cool shoes, my boyfriend, architecture, the money I can use to afford treatment, my house and room, the wonderful life I was given, all 4 limbs, 2 eyes, and 20 digits, health, being here right now, the school I go to, film and DVDs, arrested development, children, a strong support system, rain when it cleans everything away, my phone, big pillows, the way my boyfriend smells, blankets, warm hugs, yellow flowers, art, music (good stuff!), all the love in my life, surprise gifts, spring winds, letters, beaches and the sun, thank-you notes, the color blue, giving notes, cuddling/love, my body, puppies, hearts beating, my eyes, kitties, kisses, my hair, indoor plumbing, bubble baths, soft tissues, perfumes, body wash, showers, bubble tea, coffee, thai food, the sims, languages, cultures, vacations, naps, sleep, dancing, swimming, lake michigan, liberation, history, sugar, ibuprofen, wikipedia, the internet, first snows, long summers, nights where it's still light out really late, sunsets, sunrises, cool grass, green leaves, running and feeling powerful, tennis, white wine, my computer, mirrors, introspection, possibilities, ice cream, headbands, sprinklers, water, hands to hold, knowledge to find, search engines, forgiving past differences, coming home, planes, trains, taxis, public transportation, cars, concerts, festivals, laughing, being silly, lips, teeth, the human ability to be mindful, evolution, growth, change, constancy, the past, the future.....

upwards swing

I'm in a decent mood today. yay! unfortunately I have a huge headache, but that's alright. I'm wondering if I'm going to study right now or goof off until evening. hmmm....

sleeping to dream

so, I haven't been able to sleep properly lately...

I've been waking up about 3 hours after I go to sleep, then 2-3 hours later, etc. until the end of my sleep cycle. and this morning I decided to go to the bathroom during one of the breaks, so I'm up super-early.

I'm wondering if this has something to do with my medication, or if this is a result of the depression.

whatever it is, I'M TIRED. I am SO tired. I haven't been able to stop yawning/falling asleep EVERYWHERE ALL OVER THE PLACE the past few days. feh.

gonna try to go back to sleep now....!

skewed perception or reality?

I've been trying to stop my negative thought processes using techniques I've found in books and through therapy. to an extent, it's better than it was a few weeks ago. but I still wake up into a gradually descending hell of negative thinking and reminders that I'm going to die... sometime. about half the time, I am good at telling myself that these are negative thoughts and that to be happy I'm going to have to stop thinking about them.

but there is another thought that pops up... maybe this is just the depression... that tells me, "you will have to figure these things out. you will have to confront death. you will have to think about the philosophical significance of everything again." and these thoughts usually stop my positive thought-blocking efforts. they are the fuel for my "bad thoughts" that I dislike so much.

it makes me wonder... am I seeing things as they really are? is this how I should confront these issues when the time comes? or is this just depression, skewing my reality and making me think that life is a whole lot more serious than it is?

because I want to laugh again. I want to lose myself in activities. I want to love, and I want to rest, and I want to be connected. and I want to learn! I miss immersing myself in knowledge.

recently, in school, my "bad thoughts" tell me that I'm just going to lose all the information I acquire at death, so why bother? but you know what, "bad thoughts?" I'm going to be around for an awful long time to just sit on my ass and not learn anything new. I think that I forget how long life is during this depressive episode.

sure, there are many quotes about how life is so short... but I don't buy it. maybe, if I live it right, it'll be the perfect length. short enough so I don't grow weary, but long enough so that I feel fulfilled and satisfied at the end. I've actually thought a lot about immortality, and whether or not that would be a good thing. my immediate reaction is that, YES, I'd love to live forever and never have to worry about death! but then I'm not sure if that's the absolute truth. right now I say I'd like to live forever, because I'm at the beginning of my life. I've got a lot of living left to do, and maybe forever seems like a good window of time for me. but maybe every story is made better by having an ending. maybe at the end of my life, I can rest easy and pass on peacefully, happy, content. and the narrative will go on of people finding themselves in the world and making something of their lives.

I think it's hard for me to accept that the world is bigger than just me sometimes. for the past month, when presented with the thought of making the world a better place during my lifetime, I see my life in the past tense. I think, "what? why should I make the world better if I can't experience it?" these selfish thoughts embarrass me. I see several misconceptions in what I've written: 1. I can experience the world. I'm at the start of real experience. 2. making the world better will make me feel like I've done something with my life, making me more satisfied and happy. 3. there are many people in this world that I would like to have a wonderful life. 4. I am extremely lucky for all that I have... who I am, and the resources I have been given to live.

this post was supposed to be simple, but it's spiraled off somewhat. I guess I just need to figure a lot of things out, and having a dialogue with the two sides of my mind helps.

p.s. for the record, I don't have split personality disorder. I remain one consistent person, but depression/anxiety can take control of my brain and give it a different perspective. I'm concerned that it sounds like I'm more messed up than I am already by talking about the "two sides of my mind." anyways.

lucid dreaming

last night, I had a series of ridiculous dreams, all of which pertained to my life in some way or another. in one part, I had 2 days to complete a language exam and still forgot to do the reading comprehension section, and then tried to turn it into my professor's office (but the door was closed). in another, I was heading home for a weekend to see my boyfriend, but my mom (who was, for some reason, with me out east) offered to drive me to the airport and she was running late so we missed our flight. I also bought 30 dollars worth of nail painting things at the CVS and my mom (still out east) went back to swap a few of them, except to get back to my dorm we had to walk through a medieval town. also, my parents installed a toilet/shower/bath contraption where our normal ground-floor bathroom used to be. it gave me a lavender-salt shower-bath-thing when I tried to go to the bathroom. interesting.

I know there were a few more real-life situations that were skewed into dream-world, but there was one particular dream where I was consciously aware of what was going on. at first, there were a bunch of geese that some townspeople were trying to kill. and the geese didn't like that, so they decided to fly away. and as they took off into the sky, I flew with them. and then I was aware I was dreaming, but floating, and it was alright because I wasn't holding on too hard to the fact that I was asleep. I told myself I could see whatever I wanted to, and as I floated higher and higher, letting the wind underneath my arms, I came upon an old bridge far below me and a gorgeous waterway that opened into the wide ocean with blue skies all around. I was thrilled.

I had interrupted sleep last night. I'm not sure why. I phased up on my medication last night, which could be a reason. or maybe I'm just really stressed out. I have a lot to do this weekend and I wasn't very good with getting things done yesterday. I couldn't focus.... that's one of the worst elements of this depressive spell. no focus whatsoever on the things that actually matter in my life, and all focus on thoughts that will make me mourn my death decades before it happens. just gotta make it through to therapy on Monday....

"bad thoughts"

whenever I start thinking in a negative direction and my compulsive thoughts start coming up, I say that I'm having "bad thoughts." this term has become an all-too-present component of my vocabulary lately. if a parent calls and asks, "how are you doing today?" I will respond one of two ways. one: "I'm okay, not great, my bad thoughts keep coming back," or two: "I'm good! I'm still having some bad thoughts, but I'm getting better." the second statement means I'm having a good day, the first means I'm having a bad day.

today I'm having a bad day. my compulsive thoughts are coming in suuuuper strongly today, and it's really throwing off my mood. yesterday they came back a bit too. but, I have to tell myself that things are not as bad today as they were last week (which is true), or the week before (very true. two weeks ago today I was sitting in a meeting crying to myself.) I have not cried today, and I am going to take that as progress.

my breathing has been especially bad the past two days, though... I wish I would have had therapy today. I've been seeing a therapist twice a week for the past two weeks, and this week I saw her Tuesday and Wednesday. but I wish I could have seen her today. I feel like I need it. but I'm going to have to just hold out until Monday.

on the bright side of things, I went out and took some pictures a few minutes ago! :) I don't know where the day disappeared, but before it got completely dark I ran with my camera back to a really pretty spot I had found on my way back to my dorm and took 50 or so pictures. they look nice. I'm going to go through them and select a few to post on the interwebs :)

dear depression.... GO AWAI!!!!