skewed perception or reality?

I've been trying to stop my negative thought processes using techniques I've found in books and through therapy. to an extent, it's better than it was a few weeks ago. but I still wake up into a gradually descending hell of negative thinking and reminders that I'm going to die... sometime. about half the time, I am good at telling myself that these are negative thoughts and that to be happy I'm going to have to stop thinking about them.

but there is another thought that pops up... maybe this is just the depression... that tells me, "you will have to figure these things out. you will have to confront death. you will have to think about the philosophical significance of everything again." and these thoughts usually stop my positive thought-blocking efforts. they are the fuel for my "bad thoughts" that I dislike so much.

it makes me wonder... am I seeing things as they really are? is this how I should confront these issues when the time comes? or is this just depression, skewing my reality and making me think that life is a whole lot more serious than it is?

because I want to laugh again. I want to lose myself in activities. I want to love, and I want to rest, and I want to be connected. and I want to learn! I miss immersing myself in knowledge.

recently, in school, my "bad thoughts" tell me that I'm just going to lose all the information I acquire at death, so why bother? but you know what, "bad thoughts?" I'm going to be around for an awful long time to just sit on my ass and not learn anything new. I think that I forget how long life is during this depressive episode.

sure, there are many quotes about how life is so short... but I don't buy it. maybe, if I live it right, it'll be the perfect length. short enough so I don't grow weary, but long enough so that I feel fulfilled and satisfied at the end. I've actually thought a lot about immortality, and whether or not that would be a good thing. my immediate reaction is that, YES, I'd love to live forever and never have to worry about death! but then I'm not sure if that's the absolute truth. right now I say I'd like to live forever, because I'm at the beginning of my life. I've got a lot of living left to do, and maybe forever seems like a good window of time for me. but maybe every story is made better by having an ending. maybe at the end of my life, I can rest easy and pass on peacefully, happy, content. and the narrative will go on of people finding themselves in the world and making something of their lives.

I think it's hard for me to accept that the world is bigger than just me sometimes. for the past month, when presented with the thought of making the world a better place during my lifetime, I see my life in the past tense. I think, "what? why should I make the world better if I can't experience it?" these selfish thoughts embarrass me. I see several misconceptions in what I've written: 1. I can experience the world. I'm at the start of real experience. 2. making the world better will make me feel like I've done something with my life, making me more satisfied and happy. 3. there are many people in this world that I would like to have a wonderful life. 4. I am extremely lucky for all that I have... who I am, and the resources I have been given to live.

this post was supposed to be simple, but it's spiraled off somewhat. I guess I just need to figure a lot of things out, and having a dialogue with the two sides of my mind helps.

p.s. for the record, I don't have split personality disorder. I remain one consistent person, but depression/anxiety can take control of my brain and give it a different perspective. I'm concerned that it sounds like I'm more messed up than I am already by talking about the "two sides of my mind." anyways.