hello up there?

one thing I've struggled with through this depression is the idea of death being the end-all to everything, and also of feeling meaningless. existentialism tells me to create my own meaning in life; I agree. but in my darkest hours, I wish I had something else to rely on. I'm agnostic, and sometimes view things in pantheistic terms, but do not have a firm faith in anything. I'm trying to find a spiritual footing... whether that be in appreciating nature, helping people, or believing in a higher power. right now I'm not really sure where I stand. the dilemma is, I don't want to believe in something just for the sake of feeling comfort and assurance. if I am to believe in something, I want it to be for the right reasons.

I was really frustrated with what google search turned up whenever I tried to look for "accepting death" and "affirmation of life." no one really offered anything but stories of finding God in order to cope. although I respect and validate these people for getting through their struggles in this way, it won't work for me. I'd feel like I was selling out.

still, I've tried to meditate and focus on positive spiritual messages before going to sleep the past month. it does tend to calm me. from my culturally Jewish upbringing, I remember one particular prayer that stuck with me. it held a lot of communal significance. there was a part of the service when people could mention someone they knew that was sick, and the congregation would join in prayer for all the sick people. it's called the Mi Shebeirach, and it's a very pretty prayer, sung half in Hebrew and half in English. since I'm a terrible Jew and haven't been in a synagogue for a proper service in years, I cannot tell you the Hebrew portion. however, the English part stuck with me. it goes something like this...

"...may the source of strength that blessed the ones before us

help us find the courage to make our lives a blessing..."

again, not trying to get preachy on anyone. but it helped me figure out some stuff. one: life can be tough. two: it takes courage to do something with one's life. three: we should use this courage to positively impact the world by interacting positively with others or doing something on a larger scale. four: sometimes we need a little help. for me, it doesn't have to be from a higher power. maybe the people in my life, my support system, can be my blessings that give me strength. maybe I will wind up drawing strength from the unknown. I'm not sure. but I'm interested in continuing exploration.

also, meditation and yoga seem pretty sweet.