"bad thoughts"

whenever I start thinking in a negative direction and my compulsive thoughts start coming up, I say that I'm having "bad thoughts." this term has become an all-too-present component of my vocabulary lately. if a parent calls and asks, "how are you doing today?" I will respond one of two ways. one: "I'm okay, not great, my bad thoughts keep coming back," or two: "I'm good! I'm still having some bad thoughts, but I'm getting better." the second statement means I'm having a good day, the first means I'm having a bad day.

today I'm having a bad day. my compulsive thoughts are coming in suuuuper strongly today, and it's really throwing off my mood. yesterday they came back a bit too. but, I have to tell myself that things are not as bad today as they were last week (which is true), or the week before (very true. two weeks ago today I was sitting in a meeting crying to myself.) I have not cried today, and I am going to take that as progress.

my breathing has been especially bad the past two days, though... I wish I would have had therapy today. I've been seeing a therapist twice a week for the past two weeks, and this week I saw her Tuesday and Wednesday. but I wish I could have seen her today. I feel like I need it. but I'm going to have to just hold out until Monday.

on the bright side of things, I went out and took some pictures a few minutes ago! :) I don't know where the day disappeared, but before it got completely dark I ran with my camera back to a really pretty spot I had found on my way back to my dorm and took 50 or so pictures. they look nice. I'm going to go through them and select a few to post on the interwebs :)

dear depression.... GO AWAI!!!!