insomnia

FIRST: sorry for lack of updates recently. I was out of town. will explain. SOON.

I want to turn this into a personal essay on my own time, but I'm really tired and lazy but in a mood I want to capture/elaborate on later. so I'm publicizing my crap that will evolve into a beautiful butterfly someday soon.

I'm at a weird point in my life right now. don't really know where I'm going (except for more school), and that makes me feel lost. sometimes I feel much older than I am. I know I'm the type of person that needs a direction. at the same time I'm feeling super nostalgic and also frustrated with the past. I look back on my triumphs in high school, and I miss certain stretches of months. and then I look back on all the things I felt were unfair, and I get angry. I felt I was cheated out of a lot of things I worked my ass off for. whereas my triumphs... like senior year tennis season... made me feel like I got exactly what I deserved. and I felt alive at the net. I miss being good at tennis. I miss being good at so many things... I'm trying to reclaim my talents, but there's no escaping the feeling that I'll never be as multi-talented as I was in high school.

I wanna get it back. there are so many things I want to do every day. I need to figure out a way to fit everything in.

home sweet home?

I got home a few days ago, and I'm impatient with myself to get better. I think it's maybe because I told myself that as soon as I got home, things might be magically solved. but I still feel awful right now. well, I was feeling like myself, but today was really rough. the weather was gloomy and it was hard to get out of bed. I wound up bringing my whole day down with bad thinking. I'm so frustrated. this issue is taking hold of my life... I want to be able to claim my own path again. but depression interferes with everything. it's especially compromising my relationship and I don't know what to do. apologizing doesn't fix anything... the depression isn't my fault. but it still overruns all my important relationships. I just want to breathe again.

ups and downs remain

but I'm still having an upwards trend. I'm at the point where I can tell myself with assurance, "you are going to fully recover from this. you're not quite there yet. be happy, because things will still get better, and that's great. :)"

in addition, I'M GOING HOME SO SOOOON YAYAYAYAY!

sorry if this post is redundant from my last one, I'm just optimistic for once.

earlier today, pessimism and bad thoughts were taking over again... maybe because I'm pretty stressed about my upcoming neurobiology final tomorrow (yeesh). I'm having a bit of trouble sleeping, so I'm going to get a tad bit more studying done before I sleep. I'll be super tired the rest of the week, but then I'm done done done done DONE with this god-awful sophomore slump year!

so, when my mood slumps, I just tell myself, you've felt so much better than usual lately. and you're going to get back to the high points.

I can't wait.

:)

YES

I am FINALLY starting to feel optimistic about everything again. it's a wonderful feeling. if anything, I'd say this depressive spell has been characterized by a total lack of optimism. but you know what? I'm feeling hopeful again. and for me, that's the most important thing to feel coming out of something like this.

I'm not all the way out, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

finally.

the final stage

so, right now I've been studying for/taking my finals, and I am pretty impatient for summer to arrive. more than anything, I'm suuuuper sleepy almost all the time. even after a good 2 weeks of 8+ hours of sleep a night, I still find myself falling asleep in my books and yawning constantly. feh! I think that the constant self-analysis and focusing on my anxieties has caused me to use up all my energy. and I have to start really focusing on my last two finals. it's important I do well in them. I'm going to make this semester a success one way or another.

my thought process has been alright... bad thoughts still pervade a lot, but I'm definitely getting better, and I can see it. I went out this weekend to a concert in boston, which was fun, but saturday I relapsed a bit into being kind of sad for a few hours. so I half-cleaned my room (finally). yay. and oh, yeah, I have to start packing! BAHHHH!!!! I have my last two therapy sessions monday and tuesday, and a psychiatrist checkup on tuesday as well. I need to find a therapist for the summer. we'll see what happens.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMER AHHHH. it's going to be amazing. spending time with all the people I love and cherish and riding bikes and eating healthy and sleeping regularly and swimming and being in the sun and getting in shape and doing art and playing with my dog. yayayayayayayayay!

my posts have been pretty lame lately, but I've been pretty distracted/haven't had much significant thoughts to express after the explosion of initial posts. but once I make a little more progress in my journey I'm sure I'll be able to contribute something a bit more meaningful.

until then, toodle-oo! finals time! blarghyblurghyblargh

rebellion

you know why I've had such a hard time getting through this depression? because I give my bad thoughts credit. I make life seem like one big serious scary thing. but maybe it's just a lot more simple than I'm willing to give it credit for. to hell with nihilism, with being lost and confused... how about taking it easy for a little bit and letting the answers come to me? appreciating what we have and also what we cannot know? wonder and mystery anyone? things don't have to be so serious all the time! they can't be, or else they'd totally suffocate me. I'm suffocating now... I need a breath of fresh air soon.

"growing year"

so, I feel pretty conflicted and confused right now. (yes, I know, more whiny blog posts. sorry. I'm having a rough week.) I feel like I've wasted a good part of this past year. I've spent a lot of time in my room, talking to people from home, procrastinating on work with anti-social activities (rather than going out), and being sad. this is time I know I can't get back... and I don't want to waste another second of my time in college, or in life either. I'm stuck between wanting to go home so so so SO badly and mourning the loss of my sophomore year of undergrad. it makes me feel so weird.

I was reading an article that gave incoming college kids tips on what to do with their 4 years. and I instantly became sad. maybe because I haven't been living in the moment this year. maybe because I'm sad and lost and lonely. depression has cut me off from friends... old ones, and new ones I've tried to make. I'm not happy with who I am as a person when I'm depressed. I have learned to love myself, and love the life I was given, but I do not like pessimistic Rachel. I do not like negative Rachel. I do not like being a downer.

I'm really confused with my "purpose" right now. I don't know how to handle my purpose, or time, or life in general. maybe this is my year to question everything, and then things will go back to normal. or maybe after questioning, I'll get more out of every moment. but I don't want to be in fear of my life with every second that passes by. that's been my current trend, and it's nearly impossible to be happy when I'm thinking like this.

despite this negativity, I know I've gone through a lot and that I've spent a lot of time figuring myself out and involving myself in things that will help me figure out what the hell it is I want to do with my time here and who I am and what I love and who I love and how to be happy. I still haven't figured anything out all the way... but I'm a work in progress. and maybe that's where the key is, learning to accept that I'm not done growing, but starting the journey to self-discovery nonetheless.

so maybe I should make a list of things I've done to grow...

1. joined femsex, which is a great female empowerment/sex education/health/discussion class through my university. it's hard to sum it up, but it's focused on covering topics relating to the female sexual experience and validating each person's unique standpoint, as well as discussing issues of class, race, gender, and power dynamics. unfortunately, depression struck in the middle of this class, so I didn't get as much out of the last few weeks as I would have liked, but it was an important experience to accept myself as I am for my experiences, my appearance, my desires, etc. I also hashed out some old baggage someone dumped on me last year, which was good.

2. fiddled around with concentrations and found something that worked for me, despite some resistance from my old advisor. talked to a lot of people in different departments, set up a lot of meetings, was proactive about crafting a course of study that I would be happy with.

3. experimented with taking control of my own medical destiny -- got tested for STIs (I'm clean, yay!), went off medication, went back on medication, sought advice from medical professionals other than my parents/away from home.

4. was proactive about my depression by taking medication and going to therapy 2 times a week. not giving up the fight to be happy and make sense of everything, even when things seemed hopelessly dark. read several books about ways to alter my thinking (although they were minimally helpful), and filled out a plethora of surveys in order to analyze my specific condition. tried hypnotherapy!

5. formed a productive and friendly relationship with a dean. this is a connection that I will be able to utilize in the future for counsel in navigating my path through school and life. she's also a really wonderful person, and I'm happy to have formed a bond.

6. got closer to my parents. family has become far more important to me this past year, both as a support system and as people I value and cherish and love.

7. bought art supplies that I can use while out at school. though I haven't used them enough, I intend to make good use of them. I miss cultivating my artistic side. lately, I've been going out on photo-missions too. there are some beautiful places to walk out here.

8. let myself fall in love and navigate the world of relationships after wanting to gain admittance for 18 years. learned how to deal with conflict and keep a long-distance relationship functional despite hectic college life, stress, and depression. the depression has taken a huge toll on the quality of my relationship (I always feel guilty about being depressed around my boyfriend), but it has also shown me how much support I have from him and how lucky I am to be with someone who can stick it out with me through the toughest of times.

_________________________________________________________

so... after this reflection, I actually feel a little better. sometimes I need to remind myself that this year hasn't been a waste. has it been fun all the time? of course not. but it's the beginning of a process that will equip me with the tools to make the absolute most out of my remaining college experience and out of my entire life. I don't know where I am in this process, actually. just that I'm excited to view this in a more positive light on a consistent basis.

chin up, Rachel.

concentration frustration

meow! it's finals! I'm having a difficult time focusing on my work... I've always been really good at studying for school, but because of all the new meds in my system and exhaustion from the anxiety, I've had a hard time staying awake, let alone concentrating. regardless, I have a constitutional law exam tomorrow and I need to start studying. like, now. I don't even know what time it's at. checking.... oh thank god it's at 2 pm and not 9 am. AHHH. that would be bad. alright so I can stay up late to study. phew. but my reaction to all the material right now is as follows: oh boy.

my depression keeps going in waves of good and bad days. the bad thoughts aren't gone, but they are slightly less salient with each passing week. I really, really want to be home right now, but I'm going to use these last two weeks at school to finish getting better. I'm gonna do it.

thanksgiving

there's a reason thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I really like being reminded that there are things in my life to be thankful for. although it's off-season, I thought I'd make an ongoing list of things that I'm thankful to have and experience. I started a list like this in my journal a few weeks ago, and it made me feel a little better (but not much). so I'm going to try it again here, where I can easily edit.

these are in no particular order. there is no special significance to any place on the list.

my teddy bear/stuffed animals, my warm bed, breathing, my pretty clothes, books, color-coordination, friends, magnolia trees, warm bread, bikes, naked juice and apple juice, my mom, my dad, crisp fruit, my sister, cooking, my dog Baby, jewelry, cool shoes, my boyfriend, architecture, the money I can use to afford treatment, my house and room, the wonderful life I was given, all 4 limbs, 2 eyes, and 20 digits, health, being here right now, the school I go to, film and DVDs, arrested development, children, a strong support system, rain when it cleans everything away, my phone, big pillows, the way my boyfriend smells, blankets, warm hugs, yellow flowers, art, music (good stuff!), all the love in my life, surprise gifts, spring winds, letters, beaches and the sun, thank-you notes, the color blue, giving notes, cuddling/love, my body, puppies, hearts beating, my eyes, kitties, kisses, my hair, indoor plumbing, bubble baths, soft tissues, perfumes, body wash, showers, bubble tea, coffee, thai food, the sims, languages, cultures, vacations, naps, sleep, dancing, swimming, lake michigan, liberation, history, sugar, ibuprofen, wikipedia, the internet, first snows, long summers, nights where it's still light out really late, sunsets, sunrises, cool grass, green leaves, running and feeling powerful, tennis, white wine, my computer, mirrors, introspection, possibilities, ice cream, headbands, sprinklers, water, hands to hold, knowledge to find, search engines, forgiving past differences, coming home, planes, trains, taxis, public transportation, cars, concerts, festivals, laughing, being silly, lips, teeth, the human ability to be mindful, evolution, growth, change, constancy, the past, the future.....

upwards swing

I'm in a decent mood today. yay! unfortunately I have a huge headache, but that's alright. I'm wondering if I'm going to study right now or goof off until evening. hmmm....

sleeping to dream

so, I haven't been able to sleep properly lately...

I've been waking up about 3 hours after I go to sleep, then 2-3 hours later, etc. until the end of my sleep cycle. and this morning I decided to go to the bathroom during one of the breaks, so I'm up super-early.

I'm wondering if this has something to do with my medication, or if this is a result of the depression.

whatever it is, I'M TIRED. I am SO tired. I haven't been able to stop yawning/falling asleep EVERYWHERE ALL OVER THE PLACE the past few days. feh.

gonna try to go back to sleep now....!

skewed perception or reality?

I've been trying to stop my negative thought processes using techniques I've found in books and through therapy. to an extent, it's better than it was a few weeks ago. but I still wake up into a gradually descending hell of negative thinking and reminders that I'm going to die... sometime. about half the time, I am good at telling myself that these are negative thoughts and that to be happy I'm going to have to stop thinking about them.

but there is another thought that pops up... maybe this is just the depression... that tells me, "you will have to figure these things out. you will have to confront death. you will have to think about the philosophical significance of everything again." and these thoughts usually stop my positive thought-blocking efforts. they are the fuel for my "bad thoughts" that I dislike so much.

it makes me wonder... am I seeing things as they really are? is this how I should confront these issues when the time comes? or is this just depression, skewing my reality and making me think that life is a whole lot more serious than it is?

because I want to laugh again. I want to lose myself in activities. I want to love, and I want to rest, and I want to be connected. and I want to learn! I miss immersing myself in knowledge.

recently, in school, my "bad thoughts" tell me that I'm just going to lose all the information I acquire at death, so why bother? but you know what, "bad thoughts?" I'm going to be around for an awful long time to just sit on my ass and not learn anything new. I think that I forget how long life is during this depressive episode.

sure, there are many quotes about how life is so short... but I don't buy it. maybe, if I live it right, it'll be the perfect length. short enough so I don't grow weary, but long enough so that I feel fulfilled and satisfied at the end. I've actually thought a lot about immortality, and whether or not that would be a good thing. my immediate reaction is that, YES, I'd love to live forever and never have to worry about death! but then I'm not sure if that's the absolute truth. right now I say I'd like to live forever, because I'm at the beginning of my life. I've got a lot of living left to do, and maybe forever seems like a good window of time for me. but maybe every story is made better by having an ending. maybe at the end of my life, I can rest easy and pass on peacefully, happy, content. and the narrative will go on of people finding themselves in the world and making something of their lives.

I think it's hard for me to accept that the world is bigger than just me sometimes. for the past month, when presented with the thought of making the world a better place during my lifetime, I see my life in the past tense. I think, "what? why should I make the world better if I can't experience it?" these selfish thoughts embarrass me. I see several misconceptions in what I've written: 1. I can experience the world. I'm at the start of real experience. 2. making the world better will make me feel like I've done something with my life, making me more satisfied and happy. 3. there are many people in this world that I would like to have a wonderful life. 4. I am extremely lucky for all that I have... who I am, and the resources I have been given to live.

this post was supposed to be simple, but it's spiraled off somewhat. I guess I just need to figure a lot of things out, and having a dialogue with the two sides of my mind helps.

p.s. for the record, I don't have split personality disorder. I remain one consistent person, but depression/anxiety can take control of my brain and give it a different perspective. I'm concerned that it sounds like I'm more messed up than I am already by talking about the "two sides of my mind." anyways.

lucid dreaming

last night, I had a series of ridiculous dreams, all of which pertained to my life in some way or another. in one part, I had 2 days to complete a language exam and still forgot to do the reading comprehension section, and then tried to turn it into my professor's office (but the door was closed). in another, I was heading home for a weekend to see my boyfriend, but my mom (who was, for some reason, with me out east) offered to drive me to the airport and she was running late so we missed our flight. I also bought 30 dollars worth of nail painting things at the CVS and my mom (still out east) went back to swap a few of them, except to get back to my dorm we had to walk through a medieval town. also, my parents installed a toilet/shower/bath contraption where our normal ground-floor bathroom used to be. it gave me a lavender-salt shower-bath-thing when I tried to go to the bathroom. interesting.

I know there were a few more real-life situations that were skewed into dream-world, but there was one particular dream where I was consciously aware of what was going on. at first, there were a bunch of geese that some townspeople were trying to kill. and the geese didn't like that, so they decided to fly away. and as they took off into the sky, I flew with them. and then I was aware I was dreaming, but floating, and it was alright because I wasn't holding on too hard to the fact that I was asleep. I told myself I could see whatever I wanted to, and as I floated higher and higher, letting the wind underneath my arms, I came upon an old bridge far below me and a gorgeous waterway that opened into the wide ocean with blue skies all around. I was thrilled.

I had interrupted sleep last night. I'm not sure why. I phased up on my medication last night, which could be a reason. or maybe I'm just really stressed out. I have a lot to do this weekend and I wasn't very good with getting things done yesterday. I couldn't focus.... that's one of the worst elements of this depressive spell. no focus whatsoever on the things that actually matter in my life, and all focus on thoughts that will make me mourn my death decades before it happens. just gotta make it through to therapy on Monday....

"bad thoughts"

whenever I start thinking in a negative direction and my compulsive thoughts start coming up, I say that I'm having "bad thoughts." this term has become an all-too-present component of my vocabulary lately. if a parent calls and asks, "how are you doing today?" I will respond one of two ways. one: "I'm okay, not great, my bad thoughts keep coming back," or two: "I'm good! I'm still having some bad thoughts, but I'm getting better." the second statement means I'm having a good day, the first means I'm having a bad day.

today I'm having a bad day. my compulsive thoughts are coming in suuuuper strongly today, and it's really throwing off my mood. yesterday they came back a bit too. but, I have to tell myself that things are not as bad today as they were last week (which is true), or the week before (very true. two weeks ago today I was sitting in a meeting crying to myself.) I have not cried today, and I am going to take that as progress.

my breathing has been especially bad the past two days, though... I wish I would have had therapy today. I've been seeing a therapist twice a week for the past two weeks, and this week I saw her Tuesday and Wednesday. but I wish I could have seen her today. I feel like I need it. but I'm going to have to just hold out until Monday.

on the bright side of things, I went out and took some pictures a few minutes ago! :) I don't know where the day disappeared, but before it got completely dark I ran with my camera back to a really pretty spot I had found on my way back to my dorm and took 50 or so pictures. they look nice. I'm going to go through them and select a few to post on the interwebs :)

dear depression.... GO AWAI!!!!

hit the books

so, I'm currently a sophomore at a university that has really fantastic classes. but for the past month, I've been totally distracted from everything academic by this crisis. not only is it hard to focus, but being depressed made me question the point of school, classes, tests, etc. is it real knowledge? I'm still not quite out of this mindset. I used to really love school... it provided a lot of enjoyment and sense of accomplishment for me. but now I'm struggling to regain that sense of fulfillment I used to get from my classes.

to top it off, I've fallen a little bit behind. not to the point of failing... I've made sure not to slack off too badly, but I'm not as ahead as I'd like to be, and exams are coming up. now I'm faced with a language exam where I haven't been actively practicing the language for quite some time and a law exam where I've been falling asleep in my textbook all semester. shoot.

where do I go from here? not sure. but I've got a presentation in a few hours that I've got to rehearse. I just found out today it had to be memorized... oops. ("oops" has been the center of my life lately.)

but on the bright side, my mood is definitely better than it was a week ago. despite still struggling with the same issues, attitudes, and compulsive thoughts, I am more of a functioning human being than I was last week. huzzah!

hello up there?

one thing I've struggled with through this depression is the idea of death being the end-all to everything, and also of feeling meaningless. existentialism tells me to create my own meaning in life; I agree. but in my darkest hours, I wish I had something else to rely on. I'm agnostic, and sometimes view things in pantheistic terms, but do not have a firm faith in anything. I'm trying to find a spiritual footing... whether that be in appreciating nature, helping people, or believing in a higher power. right now I'm not really sure where I stand. the dilemma is, I don't want to believe in something just for the sake of feeling comfort and assurance. if I am to believe in something, I want it to be for the right reasons.

I was really frustrated with what google search turned up whenever I tried to look for "accepting death" and "affirmation of life." no one really offered anything but stories of finding God in order to cope. although I respect and validate these people for getting through their struggles in this way, it won't work for me. I'd feel like I was selling out.

still, I've tried to meditate and focus on positive spiritual messages before going to sleep the past month. it does tend to calm me. from my culturally Jewish upbringing, I remember one particular prayer that stuck with me. it held a lot of communal significance. there was a part of the service when people could mention someone they knew that was sick, and the congregation would join in prayer for all the sick people. it's called the Mi Shebeirach, and it's a very pretty prayer, sung half in Hebrew and half in English. since I'm a terrible Jew and haven't been in a synagogue for a proper service in years, I cannot tell you the Hebrew portion. however, the English part stuck with me. it goes something like this...

"...may the source of strength that blessed the ones before us

help us find the courage to make our lives a blessing..."

again, not trying to get preachy on anyone. but it helped me figure out some stuff. one: life can be tough. two: it takes courage to do something with one's life. three: we should use this courage to positively impact the world by interacting positively with others or doing something on a larger scale. four: sometimes we need a little help. for me, it doesn't have to be from a higher power. maybe the people in my life, my support system, can be my blessings that give me strength. maybe I will wind up drawing strength from the unknown. I'm not sure. but I'm interested in continuing exploration.

also, meditation and yoga seem pretty sweet.

c'mon chemicals!

some more background: I love studying the brain. it truly fascinates me. it's a super cool thing to learn about, and it's what I've planned for the focus of my undergraduate education.

in my neuroscience classes, I hear a lot about psychiatric disorders, and by now it's sort of like reading a rehearsed, old book every time I'm presented with the information. "symptoms of schizophrenia, positive and negative, heard about that.... bipolar disorder, mood stabilizers..... anxiety and depression, oh I take pills for that!" last year I took an EXCELLENT cognitive neuroscience class and wrote my final paper on the physiological and cognitive mechanisms of post-traumatic stress disorder. though not what I suffer from, I learned a lot about the systems that regulate (or fail to regulate) anxiety and stress from my research.

essentially, the point of all that jammer was to convey that I'm aware of the mechanisms that my medications use to ease my symptoms. I take an SSRI, which stands for a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. in English, that means that the medication works to increase brain levels of serotonin. serotonin is a neurotransmitter that has important regulatory effects on mood, sleep, and appetite (among other things).

these drugs do not work immediately, and it is unclear why exactly that is. (the science of psychiatry is miserably foggy at this point in time.) the physiological mechanism is relatively simple, but requires some explaining. neurons [what we think of as brain cells, though there are other types of cells in the brain] communicate through chemical and electrical signals. neurotransmitters work as a form of communication between neurons. neuron 1 will release the chemicals, and they will float in the space between neuron 1 and neuron 2 known as the synaptic cleft. as long as they stay in the cleft, they will act on receptors from neuron 2, which can have a variety of effects on neuron 2 (either inhibitory or excitatory). the chemicals are removed from the cleft by reuptake, where neuron 1 absorbs and recycles the chemicals it had previously released. (alternatively, the chemicals can be degraded while still in the cleft.) selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors work by preventing the rapid reuptake of serotonin by neuron 1, leaving it in the synaptic cleft longer, and hence allowing it to act on neuron 2 for a longer amount of time, strengthening the signal. this is what my drugs do.

certain SSRIs work differently than others. Zoloft and Paxil have short half-lives and don't stay in the bloodstream for too long before another pill is needed, whereas Prozac has a longer half-life. these qualities lead to relative difficulty/ease in phasing off the medications. most anti-depressant medications take weeks to work properly, unlike certain faster-acting anxiety pills (think Xanax).

thank you for your attention during this crash-course in neurobiology and psychiatry. yay!

the slippery slope

this blog post is intended to chart my history with depression and anxiety, from childhood to the present.

when I was 8 years old, I remember not being able to sleep. I went to a therapist for a year who taught me different breathing strategies. I don't think it worked very well. I've always had trouble sleeping. was this anxiety-related? I don't know. but sometimes when bad anxieties flared up, I could not sleep at all. I mention this because depression and sleep are often intimately connected.

the first time I remember being depressed was when I was 14 years old. I had just finished my sophomore year of high school, and I spent every day for two months crying for 2-3 hours in my room, and then staying up until 6 am blankly staring out a window. my parents wanted me on medication, but I refused, and alternatively went to Europe on a 3-week tour with a bunch of random new people, and I came back feeling a lot better than before. so in this case, escaping saved me from this depression.

the next time I was significantly depressed was the summer after my freshman year of college. I had had a great year, but for some reason I started worrying about my parents declining near the end of the year, with no basis for suspicion. I found myself crying over more deep philosophical issues, like death and life being unfair, and could not be consoled. shortly after, my father suffered a very unexpected stroke. although he recovered very well, it happened when he was away from home and I could not see him for over a week. freaked out and still slightly depressed, I developed a breathing issue. I didn't understand why... my parents said it had something to do with "underlying anxiety." I started taking Paxil, a common SSRI (medications will be explained in an upcoming post), but didn't want to be on it. I was not depressed by the end of the summer, but the breathing issues took months to resolve (and they still tend to pop back up whenever I'm distressed).

now starts my sophomore year of college. with high expectations, one bad thing started happening after the next (to be further elaborated upon. sorry for the spoilers!). I decided to try to get off of Paxil, and every time I phased down I suffered a short depressive episode lasting 1-2 weeks. I did not realize it, but I was gradually slipping into severe depression. finally off the Paxil by mid-March, I felt accomplished for getting off medication and beginning to make my own medical decisions.

however, my success was short-lived. the combination of getting off meds plus school stresses and anxiety and a week with 3 hours of sleep per night lulled me into the worst depressive crisis I've ever experienced. before I knew it, everything felt completely and utterly pointless. I didn't believe I was thinking unclearly.... I thought I had finally figured out that life was tragic and because it had an ending, was pointless. I immersed myself in thoughts of death and dying and the concept of experiencing nothing and not existing, seeing myself as a blip in time that, by nature of the fact that I was going to expire, had virtually already expired. I thought of historical figures, devaluing their lives because they were gone.

these constant thoughts about death and dying can be thought of as compulsive thoughts. these thoughts are a sub-category of what is known as OCD, though having these thoughts does not necessarily imply other staples of OCD. essentially, I have thoughts that are fueled by anxiety (and in turn fuel anxiety) that focus around something irrational, in this case, being immersed in death. I cannot escape from them just by willing them away. I have little to no control over them during the worst of my depressive episodes.

these thoughts, totally irrational and against every existential and pro-living-life standpoint I had ever taken, shook my world and robbed me of my life. I was walking in a nightmare... I'm still in its final stages, but it's quite a bit less severe than it was at the start of this episode. I would wake up unable to spend more than one minute without thinking about the fact that I was going to die. this thought filtered into everything I did, making it impossible to focus on school, friends, anything that used to bring me joy. I couldn't enjoy movies, or food, or nature. seeing beautiful things and people having fun just made me more depressed. in my depressed mind, I knew the tragic secret of the world that no one else had gotten sight of. I was the enlightened one. but my logical mind knew this was not the case. I clearly had something medically wrong with me.

the worst point of this episode occurred when I had a wonderful visitor. my [very supportive] boyfriend came out to visit me, and despite being around someone I cared for deeply, I began to experience fatalistic and suicidal thoughts. I did not get to the stage of having a plan, but I believed that if my life ended soon, I would not have to endure 80 years of pain awaiting death. this scared me, and it scared my boyfriend too. having someone there may have saved my life.

and this is where my story of recovery begins. for the past two weeks I have been taking Zoloft (another SSRI), and going to cognitive behavioral therapy twice a week as well as seeking outside counsel. I've started to try therapies to combat my compulsive thoughts, which (again, more posts to follow!) will be detailed in upcoming entries. but this is where I'm at.

welcome to my world.

introduction

to anyone who might be reading this, I'd like to introduce myself.

hi. my name is Rachel, I'm 18 years old, and I struggle with depression.

I'm not sure how long this has been going on. I've had random depressive episodes about once a year since I was 14, but after a few months of declining mood I slipped into a severe depressive crisis 4 weeks and 4 days ago.

before I go into the details of this disorder, its causes, and the treatment I am seeking, I'd like to explain the purpose of this blog. essentially, I've always liked the idea of keeping a journal, but I'm bad at it. I'm bad at blogging too, but I type faster. so this blog is going to be one therapeutic method I use to cope with the depression and to track my recovery, as well as the various complications I suffer from a compounding anxiety disorder. also, while going through the darkest days of my life (2-3 weeks ago = worst point), I scanned the internet for depression survival stories, and not much useful information came up. so this is to serve as a resource to anyone who needs encouragement, support, or just the assurance that they don't have to fight alone. I don't mean to portray myself as a saint, but I'd like to help other people suffering from this issue since I know how terrible and debilitating it can be.

that being said, let the blogging begin.

- Rachel