I was reading an article that gave incoming college kids tips on what to do with their 4 years. and I instantly became sad. maybe because I haven't been living in the moment this year. maybe because I'm sad and lost and lonely. depression has cut me off from friends... old ones, and new ones I've tried to make. I'm not happy with who I am as a person when I'm depressed. I have learned to love myself, and love the life I was given, but I do not like pessimistic Rachel. I do not like negative Rachel. I do not like being a downer.
I'm really confused with my "purpose" right now. I don't know how to handle my purpose, or time, or life in general. maybe this is my year to question everything, and then things will go back to normal. or maybe after questioning, I'll get more out of every moment. but I don't want to be in fear of my life with every second that passes by. that's been my current trend, and it's nearly impossible to be happy when I'm thinking like this.
despite this negativity, I know I've gone through a lot and that I've spent a lot of time figuring myself out and involving myself in things that will help me figure out what the hell it is I want to do with my time here and who I am and what I love and who I love and how to be happy. I still haven't figured anything out all the way... but I'm a work in progress. and maybe that's where the key is, learning to accept that I'm not done growing, but starting the journey to self-discovery nonetheless.
so maybe I should make a list of things I've done to grow...
1. joined femsex, which is a great female empowerment/sex education/health/discussion class through my university. it's hard to sum it up, but it's focused on covering topics relating to the female sexual experience and validating each person's unique standpoint, as well as discussing issues of class, race, gender, and power dynamics. unfortunately, depression struck in the middle of this class, so I didn't get as much out of the last few weeks as I would have liked, but it was an important experience to accept myself as I am for my experiences, my appearance, my desires, etc. I also hashed out some old baggage someone dumped on me last year, which was good.
2. fiddled around with concentrations and found something that worked for me, despite some resistance from my old advisor. talked to a lot of people in different departments, set up a lot of meetings, was proactive about crafting a course of study that I would be happy with.
3. experimented with taking control of my own medical destiny -- got tested for STIs (I'm clean, yay!), went off medication, went back on medication, sought advice from medical professionals other than my parents/away from home.
4. was proactive about my depression by taking medication and going to therapy 2 times a week. not giving up the fight to be happy and make sense of everything, even when things seemed hopelessly dark. read several books about ways to alter my thinking (although they were minimally helpful), and filled out a plethora of surveys in order to analyze my specific condition. tried hypnotherapy!
5. formed a productive and friendly relationship with a dean. this is a connection that I will be able to utilize in the future for counsel in navigating my path through school and life. she's also a really wonderful person, and I'm happy to have formed a bond.
6. got closer to my parents. family has become far more important to me this past year, both as a support system and as people I value and cherish and love.
7. bought art supplies that I can use while out at school. though I haven't used them enough, I intend to make good use of them. I miss cultivating my artistic side. lately, I've been going out on photo-missions too. there are some beautiful places to walk out here.
8. let myself fall in love and navigate the world of relationships after wanting to gain admittance for 18 years. learned how to deal with conflict and keep a long-distance relationship functional despite hectic college life, stress, and depression. the depression has taken a huge toll on the quality of my relationship (I always feel guilty about being depressed around my boyfriend), but it has also shown me how much support I have from him and how lucky I am to be with someone who can stick it out with me through the toughest of times.
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so... after this reflection, I actually feel a little better. sometimes I need to remind myself that this year hasn't been a waste. has it been fun all the time? of course not. but it's the beginning of a process that will equip me with the tools to make the absolute most out of my remaining college experience and out of my entire life. I don't know where I am in this process, actually. just that I'm excited to view this in a more positive light on a consistent basis.
chin up, Rachel.
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